When it comes to intimacy, therapist Vanessa Marin isn’t just talking the talk, she’s walking it, too.
The California-based sex therapist, who’s built a following of nearly one million on social media thanks to her candid, no-nonsense advice, recently shared four hard boundaries she maintains in her own relationship. The goal? Healthier, more connected sex lives, for everyone.
In a video titled “Things I Won’t Do to My Partner as a Sex Therapist,” Marin draws on two decades of experience working with couples to highlight what not to do in the bedroom. And it’s not about technique, it’s about emotional safety, mutual respect, and breaking outdated habits.
Here’s what made her never-again list:
1. Expecting him to always initiate
Just because he’s a man doesn’t mean he should carry the mental load of initiating every time. “Absolutely not,” Marin tells Mail Online. While studies suggest men tend to initiate sex more often, she’s not here for the default dynamic.
Mixing things up and sharing the responsibility can lead to a healthier, more balanced sex life, one where both partners feel desired.
2. Guilt-tripping him for not being in the mood
Marin makes it clear: if her partner isn’t in the mood, she’s not going to take it personally, or make him feel bad about it.
Silicon Valley therapist Azizeh Rezaiyan agrees, warning that pressuring someone when they need space can backfire. “If you don’t respect that boundary, they may begin to associate intimacy with stress or obligation,” she explains.
Instead of spiraling into self-doubt, Rezaiyan encourages people to not jump to conclusions about cheating or lost attraction: “That’s a rabbit hole you don’t want to go down.”
3. Keeping quiet about what she wants
One of Marin’s golden rules? Say what you want, out loud.
She refuses to stay silent in the bedroom just to avoid hurting her partner’s feelings. Licensed counselor Suzanne Degges-White backs this up: “Being honest about your desires and boundaries increases both sexual and emotional satisfaction.”
It’s not just about asking for more, it’s also about learning what to stop doing, and doing so with care. Studies have shown that open communication actually lowers anxiety around sex and deepens connection over time.
4. Blaming or shaming him for performance issues
No pouting. No crying. No accusations of not being attracted to her. Marin doesn’t go there.
Performance struggles happen. And how you respond can either bring you closer or create lasting harm.
Therapist Sara Makin warns that blaming language or repeated accusations can feel controlling and lead to emotional shutdown.
Marin’s approach? Compassion over criticism. “If anything I mentioned hits close to home, be kind to yourself,” she tells followers. “These things are hard.”
Her message to couples: You don’t need to be perfect, but you do need to be patient, with each other and with yourselves. A little empathy goes a long way.
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