Many women say there’s one question men frequently ask during sex that “makes the orgasm go away” – a phrase that instantly kills the mood and makes the moment feel like “he’s trying to win a game.”
According to research by sex education platform OMGYES, many women say one surprisingly common bedroom question can pull their attention away from the moment and into their own thoughts, interrupting the natural build-up of pleasure.
“Partners: You may not mean to pressure us, but these things do, anyways. Many women sometimes need help to stop thinking. Lives are busy. Minds are busy. The more you can get her out of her head and her worries, the better it gets, the 2023 study explains.
‘Number one orgasm-killer’
This kind of mental shift can interrupt the natural rhythm of arousal, and women say it makes it harder to stay present and connected.
One woman described how quickly the mood can change once the question is asked:
“The number one orgasm-killer for me is the question ‘Are you going to [climax] soon?” because then my thoughts take over like – ‘Am I taking too long?’ ‘Are they bored?’ and those thoughts totally distract me, and the orgasm goes away,” she said in the study.
The concern isn’t just about wording, but about the pressure the question can create in an already vulnerable moment.
A second, lamenting about the dreaded phrase, shared, “I get this feeling that he’s trying partly for himself, like he’s trying to win a game, instead of it being for me.”
The phrase at the center of the discussion is a familiar one: “Are you close?”
‘Wish they could abolish the question’
The frustration often reflects a broader gap between expectations and the reality of how arousal and timing typically unfold.
Several women said the question created pressure to keep up with their partner’s pace, even though research shows women usually reach orgasm within 15 to 45 minutes, compared to two to 10 minutes for men.
Some study participants said the question suggests that “their partner cares more about achieving a goal [orgasm from sex] than about their pleasure”
“Many women wish they could abolish the question, ‘are you close’ because it just results in pressure,” one respondent named Jess explained. “I used to think that orgasming quicker was better. It made me, like, a better girlfriend. Because you don’t want waste anyone’s time.”
Not about ‘reaching an end goal’
Experts say even well-meaning communication can sometimes pressure – especially when attention moves toward timing.
“Whilst it might not be intentional, asking ‘are you close’ can tend to introduce pressure at the wrong moment.” sex and relationship expert Annabelle Knight told Metro. “For many women, arousal builds gradually and needs a sense of safety and space, so being asked if they’re ‘close’ can feel like they’re being hurried along rather than supported in their own rhythm.’
In a separate interview with Women’s Health, Knight said: “Asking if your partner is almost done can not only make them feel rushed and pressured, but also unappreciated or self-conscious. Putting your partner under pressure can make it difficult for them to stay relaxed and fully enjoy the experience and can even delay their ‘finish’ further. Sex should be about mutual pleasure and connection, rather than solely reaching an end goal.”
‘Take time out of equation’
Experts emphasize that couples should focus on feedback that supports connection without introducing urgency.
“Just take time out of the equation,” an OMGYES representative said in an Instagram clip.
“So, things like, ‘should I go higher or lower? How is the pressure for you? How is this motion feeling? How is the speed?’
“These kinds of questions that allow you to get that feedback and then change what you’re doing immediately. So just take time out of the equation, make sure that your partner knows there’s no rush and you’re giving them enough time, and you’re just there enjoying giving them pleasure.”
Meanwhile, sex therapist Leigh Norén Sex therapist Leigh Norén advises that a more attentive and proactive approach can help partners feel more supported in the moment.
“It usually makes it go faster,” Norén told Women’s Health.
What questions do you wish partners would stop asking? Please let us know your thoughts in the comment section below and then share this story so we can hear from others!
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