In her early 20s, Dana Da Silva began experiencing disturbing sexual intrusive thoughts. She feared she might be a pedophile before eventually learning that what she was actually struggling with was something entirely different.
Dana, now 38 and a mother of two, was tormented by terrifying thoughts in her early 20s. It all started while she was playing with her friend’s young son in the bath.
“Playing innocently with a friend’s child in the bath a thought struck me: ‘What if I harmed him?’” she told The Sun.
“I called it a ‘sticky thought’ because I knew it wasn’t true but I couldn’t shake the feeling it could be true.”
She feared she might harm someone and couldn’t shake the feeling that she might become a pedophile.
“They appeared from nowhere,” she says. “I never harmed anyone but was terrified I would. I also feared being a murderer and incestuous. I ruminated on those possibilities, searching for answers. I wanted some confirmation whether the thoughts were real or not.”
“Early intervention is key”
Soon, she began having panic attacks, and her symptoms continued to worsen. But what she was actually struggling with was a specific type of OCD.
“I understood OCD to be repetitive physical rituals related to hygiene or organisation,” she says. “But that’s a stereotype. Mental health misconceptions, resulting from a lack of awareness and education, are the reason I went so long without diagnosis and treatment.”
Dana explains that while intrusive thoughts are common, they affect people with OCD very differently.
“Everyone has intrusive thoughts. People standing on train station platforms sometimes think ‘oh I could push that person next to me’ but for most people those thoughts don’t linger.
“But for people with OCD they can and do. That’s why I call them sticky thoughts.”
What is pOCD?
Dr. Jordan Levy, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder, including violent and sexual obsessions, explained in an article for The OCD Newsletter: “Experiencing taboo thoughts like these is one of the most common, yet lesser-known, manifestations of OCD.”
“An individual suffering with pOCD will experience intrusive thoughts or images (spikes) accompanied by terrorizing anxiety. The OCD has the ability to produce doubt or question memories, real or imagined.”
Today, Dana is raising awareness in hopes of helping others recognize the condition sooner.
“Early intervention is key and dependent upon an individual being able to recognise signs and symptoms,” she says. “Sitting in the therapy chair soon after I was diagnosed I got an education on intrusive thoughts and OCD, learning about its many different subtypes that can centre around doing harm to others, relationships – often concerning a partner’s fidelity – religion and sexual orientation, to name just a few.”
She wants to help others
She even wrote a book about her experience, The Shift: A Memoir – about her experience of living with OCD.
“Hitting publish was traumatising. It triggered an OCD flare. But it was like a giant plaster being ripped off. A f**k you to the stigma. Flipping the bird to shame. Setting my story free so that maybe people will stop trivialising OCD and making jokes about being ‘a bit OCD’ if they like things neat and tidy.
“I’ve had a few people judge me but I don’t care. Generalised mental health posters and slogans aren’t enough. As a society we need to know what mental health illnesses really look like. And it ain’t pretty. It’s confronting. But the only way out is through.”
Where to get help
On the topic of mental health, don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you, or someone you know, is struggling, you can call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting MHA to 741741, or contact the SAMHSA Disaster Distress Helpline at 1-800-985-5990.
If your distress feels unbearable, or if you have suicidal thoughts or plans, contact a psychiatric emergency unit immediately or call 911.
For more information about available resources, visit Mental Health America at mhanational.org.
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